Why do people overreact to me? My life is just a waste of their pollution.
Let's see, end of high school, beginning of college, I found it necessary to be highly active. I wanted to slow down but for some reason got involved again.
Then, my life turned into an experiment, and I really didn't like it but enjoyed it and knew it was just something that was possible that was already done. It just elicited such deep emotions. Like, I saw things and they were supposed to mean something symbolically. It was very romantic, chosing what I did, but people actually felt hatred toward me, a lot, essentially.
So, then, it was hard to study and focus, and I was kicked out of my major, not because my life turned into an experiment. I think it's because I didn't memorize my major instrument piece, but we had to keep going to the library to listen to music with an extra course added that semester, which actually was a big deal, I think. So, I wasn't allowed to like meditate on how happy I was in my major in college in music, it felt, but I Was supposed to sing but ended up scratching off feelings on paper thinking I was being watched and thinking maybe sometimes suddenly I noticed little clicks. I was also kicked out of Voice and Music Education. So, I became stressed, for some reason and probably didn't do a whole lot of singing. So, I couldn't do well in the course away from home over the summer, a full class in a week, because it was hard to get food and because of the experiment. So, then, I was gonna start school again, but then the hurricane hit, and we moved. My dad was gonna move away, but we all moved in with him. I went up north, and I couldn't even get my clothes because the bus didn't come and I got cold and failed and didn't know what to do. After the muscles in my back became limp, though I felt it would get better for some reason, I stopped going to class and didn't even know why. I realized that I should have Withdrawn or something but forget what it was. I just wanted the opportunity and wanted to ask to catch up, like at my regular college. Anyway, so, being in an experiment but not being told and told my life was miserable and it would finally be ideal, pretty much I had no responsibility. I also heard other-worldly things and sometimes other interesting things and believed the world wasn't real, thinking ooh I'd be in trouble if I said that. I didn't tell anyone for like at least 4 or 5 years. So, I came home and suddenly felt very annoyed after a time, by noise. I went back to my old school and became sensitive to noise and couldn't stand it and had to come home in the end. Well, the 1st semester there were workers outside each day. I felt as though I were expected to stay up and put in extra time. The next semester, I heard other-worldly clicks in my ear that made me want to commit suicide or thatmade me feel so bad I would do something of that nature. I didn't literally want to but didn't know what to do about it. I even heard things and thought of things like images and stuff in my dorm room. They didn't sound like real sounds. I was alone but constantly miserable. I was alone much of the semester before in a joint dorm, hoping to succeed. I found that nothing was on the tests, though. The only classes I succeeded in in the university and conservatory were most of the music classes, most of the honors classes, and the philosophy classes, though I didn't really make it any of the 2 post-hurricane semesters. It was neat, though, the way things changed, 2005. So, I thought I'd dabble in 1 last semster, I guess, and did Pre-Med for Psychiatry. I couldn't succeed in Chemistry, and I had an Asian Biology teacher who spat a lecture. I enjoyed the Chemistry and Physics labs. I think I was actually young in Physics but not the lab. I audited Chemistry II in high school. So, I came back and did college online and my friends came over and I cooked for them and was getting out of the shower, tired. I ended up failing, not withdrawing for a very weird reason, like I was totally hypnotized. Now, I am allowed to do grade forgiveness, though. My last college withdrew the grades, which I had talked about before, mainly getting back in my major there, since it was such a prestigious College of Music. It was also the Jesuit order of the Catholic religion. I'm not sure what I'd do at another school, really, but this 1 also has a ballet minor and it was advertized to my friends, who goof off, in another state. So, then, I also felt tempted to go online, and I kinda messed up my 1st impression and just sat there wasting time, not even thinking to get a blog. My dad even got mad when I wanted to go to college partly on campus, and I quit. I was only in 4 courses, I think. So, I felt tortured in my room, needless to say, and I kept e-mailing people who just didn't say anything. 1 of them suddenly got mad and said I was being mean, talking about her and the other girl, who I was each friends with a long time ago. Well, our 6th grades split and we got new people, even many people from the area. It was Catholic and of the oldest parish in the U.S. I wasn't in their class. They didn't talk to me, anymore. It's funny, I don't think they talked to anyone else in my class, but they still talked to each other and roomed. They also talked to a girl I used to talk to to make feel better. She was even the roommate of the other girl. I think she mentioned how she was Spanish, but she had a German foreign exchange student. So, then, I was talking to the ballet teacher's daughter, and she was also a slow e-mailer. She was highly suggestive, like another girl I knew, and for a certain reason because it was clearly a racist dodge, though I guess she would speak to me later, I just got really mad. I had written them really long notes, before. It was detailed, nothing like, "you nigger" nor any threats. I forgot soon after. These things sorta caused I guess me to kinda change I guess and it became a big deal, it seemed, to anyone who knew.
So, then, we moved, and I got store cards and spent money. Then, my parents acted even more suggestive, and it was really annoying. This 1 time, I was mad at racism and hit my wall, though it seemed very like civil though loud enough for my family to hear. My mom changed, and I went to a spa lady, not having left the house before, except to take walks after awhile. It like disconnected things in my forehead I felt connecting. Then, I thought, in the experiment, because of the spa lady acting like she was hypnotizing me that by others and the signs of the people in the experiment that I was to at the signal or by their command or suggestion call someone the n word. Then, it was made a big deal over, as though I meant it, and it's plagued my whole life since December 2009, so that's 3 years now. My dad acted differently. I went to the mental hospital, finally, which was bad, as well. Funny thing is I wanted to eat better before but didn't make it, like a complication. Even before that, I wanted to live on baby food and milk formula, but my parents made a hissy. I don't believe I got anything else. I was told to even work, but I was really tired. I wouldn't be able to stand it, and people are really racist toward me. That's unfair.