Laundry

I'm also doing the 2nd wash for the towels and and washing my bedding since I went out last night and slept in my bed without a shower-bath, twice.

My food is done cooking, and I'm waiting for it to cool.

I found "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" is having reruns as of a certain day, yesterday or today, have to see when it starts again, assume at least a week after the New Year.  Hope I get in that acting class, but I have a feeling I won't.  It seems the community college, especially in the arts, is not for adults, even.  I was recommended into dance at a ballet school there at age 20, 21.

I have to refill my soap and wash my glasses.  They're dusty.  I was thinking of getting my own soaps and think I will.

Problem

My dad is really bad, really mean, like in a hidden way, thinks it's okay for certain reasons, 1st seeing Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory directed by Tim Burton, then me not being able to do well in college partly because my life became an experiment and no one was direct with me, like it was to balance the situation.  Then, I used store cards and thought in the experiment I was supposed to call someone the n word.

My Mom in Glasses

She hasn't been eating breakfast.  I'm afraid that the reason was because I didn't eat a hearty breakfast growing up.  I got glasses at 9.  I think I had poptarts starting at 6.  Maybe, that's why.  Before, I remember having eggs and toast.  After, bagels with butter.  After, I think I made full meals.  In college, PBJ, from Whole Foods, or not sure what else, Odwalla bars, sometimes bought an Odwalla smoothie.  Odwalla chocolate bars are really good and so are other flavors or were to me.

I don't really see that someone has to have breakfast.  She eats a full supper and a scanty yet quite compiled lunch, it seems..  I was actually worried the whole time, in disbelief, these, however long, living here 7½ years.  I know she's done this since living in this place, 5 years.  I think I counted wrong.  Can't figure it out, for some reason.

I don't know what she used to have for breakfast but used to have tea for bead.

So, people shouldn't get mad at parents just because their kids don't eat breakfast.  I know that some people have their moms make them breakfast.  I didn't really wake up in time, and I think my mom gave me every meal.  I think I lost energy eating school lunch, the unhealthy kind because it tasted good.  Then, I started having more health-based lunches.  That's not why I couldn't read and succeed in a lecture, all of a sudden, much, at all.  I didn't even want the apple.  I wanted breakfast, might have had it once or twice.

College

I see Ginny Kopf is teaching 3 classes at Valencia in the Spring, but I need help to get a loan for college if I go and am not sure if my account works.  Well, the 7th, I can technically make it.  The voice class is closed.  :{  She teaches it somewhere else on Sundays.  Won't people know where I am, if I go?  I post online.  It would be fun to go to a group class, though.  I used to not even think about it when I posted about ballet because I'm not like in eminent danger, necessarily, and must live my life, wherever I am, though I don't think anyone at the easy|maybe "bringing back" classes for adults would hurt me.  I mean, people could see me post about something famous a lot, track me down, and attack people I know.  My mom didn't describe the car accidents she was in.  Also, I post to Ginny, anyway, and you can see where she is.  She's probably not the only one in my life you'd find, and she's not really in my life other than meeting her online and posting on her site, not having talked to her yet I mean anyway.  Let's see, Acting I, which I was gonna take at Seminole or she's also doing an Improvisation class with no Prerequisites.  I didn't take Talented Theater but 1 year of high school, and my local theater didn't teach much.  I might ruin the class.  I probably won't elude to where I am if I go.  I might not even sign up for 1 on time.  I can try.  I think my hold was lifted for this semester, so I will probably sign up, unless I chose not to sign up for it.

So, I'm contacting the college, but it never answers.  Something happened, and it's not about me.

I just called her and left a fairly long message.  I told her not to call me but left my number, assuming she may be sleeping.  I connected with her well and don't really know why.  She left a long message in different languages and accents but nothing like what I'm used to in the New Orleans area.

Also, her Improvisation class is Closed but not Full, didn't say so when I signed up.  So, I might take Acting I.  '8I  The voice class, which is shorter I remember.., is full.  She teaches it in the community, as well.  I could afford it but would prefer to take out a college loan.  I'm glad the class is full, but I don't know why Acting I still has space.

So, I noticed, when I left the message, that my voice was kinda liquidy, for some reason, and thinning.  :,  Huh.

It's funny I didn't think of bad thoughts.

Problem

So, I don't think I would have succeeded in college online, anyway.  I guess I eventually had to go online, but no one told me to get a blog.

Dreams

The 2nd 1 I remember well now.  What made it interesting is that I was at a school.  I'm not sure why I dreamed someone was carrying me like a kid, again.  It was a lady.  So, it was like, I think in both dreams, you go behind the scenes of a school and it's like a big maze with chairs and stuff around and it's really dark.  Supposedly, it's dangerous.  I guess it was interesting, I knew I was really buried in my bed, and I thought of another hand that was more with bones jutting out, but like rounded, and it turned out it was my hand.  I touched my lips, and I guess I was more physical than I really am, and it was like when you put your hand on someone's mouth, except I was putting my fingers around my lips and thinking of how it would stimulate you, like to make "me" feel better, in attempts to prevent me from letting out a noise.  Otherwise the lady would have pressed my mouth against just below her shoulders.  I guess I thought that my butt was being pressed.

In the dream before, a lady came and 1st contended to someone older and then came up to me, and when she pressed my crotch it was stimulating, like kinda feminine, like fairy-like, and somewhere else.

I know in the last dream, it was like about graduating and going to these shops, 1 small and later a huge 1 of food, like a Super Wal-Mart, though it wasn't a smorgasbord.  I was with my grandma and little brother.  I told my mom I wanted donuts, I think.  I was with a man and black lady with these like sweet biscuits or whatever with colored cream on them and sprinkles.  Like, a more big wooden display.

I don't remember the trek with my friends and peers.  I know we had to walk around places, a maze, in the back, and we found where we came from, thought it was like a little bobsled road but for cars.  Like, we ran into it and had to use it to get to the path.  It was white and kinda like sweet like candy.  The maze was rather long and laborious to cross and not all easily laid out.

I guess the most interesting part was the person holding me.  So, the 1st person was really just a person, but it was like Ellen DeGeneres.  I'm sure thinking of her a lot in my sleep for like a few minutes at a time.  The 2nd person was Aunt 2 with my grandma.  30

So, you get the picture, when I was in the maze with a person carrying me, I guess it interests me in life.. I don't know if it's because my mom is shorter.  I mean, I think everyone is interested.  I guess they just are too busy and don't really get like that sorta feeling of wanting people to be sorry for them or feeling sorry or something like that.  I went out to 711 last night, and the girl at the register, since my nails weren't painted, scanned that "I was" shy, like here we're all kinda in a group, different than other places, which is interesting, not like any 1 other place.  I mean, it's Florida.  Then, she slammed a loud noise at my change.  I had to shift gears.  I guess I'm being spotted and felt for in this area.  It just feels like that's the way things go.  It's hard to understand that, posting online all the time, like.

So, about being carried in a dark room, I guess it was circumstantial.  It was kinda dangerous.  I think, I was supposedly like "little" or "small," feeling how I am, though.  So, it's like you're in this place that's like feasible technically but like has issues and you're being like protected in a kinda strict way but also like being touched and I guess you have to come to accept it.  I know that exercising in your life helps.  I'm guessing that doing arts also helps.  Posting online gives you cyber***.  I'm not sure I quite knock on that.  I'm not sure how most people feel, but I know, here in Orlando, we feel  or I feel kinda like I'm a tube with gel floating in it.  Before, I used to maybe feel my bones.  I'd feel the muscle growing on my forearms.  Like, I'd feel it a little and want to feel it more.  I guess I learned from different women I knew how to feel.  In college, I don't remember as many of those kinds of women.  At Arts school in New Orleans, we had this teacher who looked kinda both smart and attractive and not too thin.  I thought she woke up and took jazz each morning, didn't think too much what it was like to do at home but probably was thinking about aspects of it I'm not remembering now.  She had this resounding voice.  She had fluffy, like wavy and kinda more course light, more reddish yellowish brown hair.  Well, you get the picture.  She had a more fluffy face.  I think she spoke to me once, and I got everything right.  I guess we were in a group, and she said not to be shy.  I don't think people at this place were touching people.  It was a summer session, and me and another girl I played a piano duet with got the highest award.  I also went on Saturdays and was the oldest.  This was my last year.  There were no awards.  She was supposed to come to the college I was at, a prestigious school for music that is not quite as alluring now, I think my 3rd year, when I left and wasn't even in music.  She was a composer and went up to maybe Canada to "just compose," which makes sense, in a group.  I was about to be a Composition major and tried to get in Voice.  I was unaccepted and came back as a Music Education major and didn't audition for Voice and was kicked out of Voice for being shy, for some reason, at the end of the year, as well as out of Music Education.  I started a class since another was taken and then switched to 2 Honors level 2 classes.

Dream

I was at college going around, and my dad told me what to do.  I wanted to go in a house, and there were these cute cats.  I think, the 1st time I got in, and someone helped me and it lated awhile.  I had written a dream down about a guy from the theater where I used to live getting hurt, the one I wrote about in Twitter.  It was the same thing almost.  He was big.

Then, I remember being involved with my mom.  Well, I was going around and decided, my dad saying okay, to just worry about getting food, to find a McDonald's and asked if I liked it rather and I said yea the chicken sandwich, grilled, and went down the stairs.  Instead, I was at the top floor of a dorm with a really high ceiling.  The rooms were open.  My mom was at a desk in the center with her course book.  I was at UNO.  I was looking at course.  1 I remember was Acting.  It was more interesting than 1 where you present things.  There were words, little descriptions, why I liked it, a clean white catalog, almost the size of a magazine.  There were pictures of kids, including some nice tan 1s who didn't really look like you'd want to be them, unappealing.  1 reminded me of her name, "energy," never thought fo that.  So, supposedly, 1 girl from drama a year older there was the daughter of a witch and never knew her mom.  I thought up north that she did something and looked like a waitress, like she was tortured in a made up way that wasn't graphic.  I thought it was part of the experiment.  So, my math teacher from the other school was like related to her in some way, and I saw a baby in like a cradle crying, a boy, I think in her dorm.  I told them flashing by a little later I didn't know my aunt.  So, I saw on her side, which was like 3 stories high, and clean, like in an institution where we get better and have real adventures, high up, notes to me and around the corner on the other side.  So, what now, I forget.  I guess it was too late, I fell asleep, and then it was even past 12, 12:40, to eat.  I must have went in my dorm, lay down and looked up and realized I was at UNO.  Oh yes, then, she came in and smashed my guitar, a violin, harp, the TV, which was my mom's, though it just left like a film broken over it, so I said nothing.  She said Ellen told her to do it, and I got up madly with 2 pillars, as though someone would hurt me.  I said, "Where is she?  Bring her in!"  It was like she would appear.  I realized it was dangerous for me to sleep so said, "Want me to promise not to hurt her?"  Then, I was like oh yea we don't know I won't, like in my sleep.  Well, my harp sounds different, and an Irish harpist with a French last name just had a baby.  People were going by from 2 of my high schools wondering where I should go, public or Catholic.  I was already mad at someone and didn't know who, I think a lady who was big probably.  I was gonna say more but forgot.

Dream

I was lying down and my mom told me to wake up to drink some tea, though I didn't want to very much.  She had a larger glass and a smaller one I almost finished.  Rather, it was powder.  That lady on Facebook, Ginny, was outside the door.  Then, my dad was there by an old computer.  He was mad and drawling about what I wanted to do and probably asked me something, yes, that I forgot now.  He said to join him for lunch.  I think he was wondering if I wanted to be carried or like have a relationship with certain someone.  I was gonna go out to eat and have a dragon with a small, circular mouth accompany me, like a purple, wet dragon, and it did, kinda like a big snake.  It was nice.  It turned out to be someone I know, well, my cousin.  Then, her mom was there, turned out to be the older sister, who is shorter.  Then, it was the mom, and I sized myself up to be her size and said I was bigger than them all.  The mom was there, too, my grandma.  Then, I left again.  I think 1st I saw a version of 2 small kids from Mary Poppins, and I got the rhythm I saw, which was like a combination of German and Dutch but English and was complex and sick a bit.  They realized I knew it because I wasn't American and then that my mom had European heritage, for so long in ancestry.  Then, I was on like a building, a slim portion, like a chimney top place, like a ship with some boys, then they realized it was because I was white, had a Caucasian American dad.  Then, I think, there were 3 dragons to eat us 3 creatures.  1st, 1 ate 1 slimy creature.  It spit out like a shark tooth.  It finally ate another.  The 1st was small and kinda round.  Then, it chased me.  I had indicated to run.  I easily glided a cro ss a pool that was like a video game from 1998 that came with the computer, an easy one.  I was under a canopy.  Oh, I forgot, I went on a ride that was voiced by Ellen DeGeneres, a movie, but we just saw the dazzle eyes, the swirls, in black and white, all over, like a friendly ride, kinda cheap-seeming but actually quite elaborate.  My dad was there.  So, I got behind his girl and held onto her sash, like a Dr. Suess movie girl, kinda thin, like Beauty and the Beast.  I remember the 1st scene was long, asking me what I wanted and waking me up and having me walk around a large, somewhat dirty but interestingly furnaced hotel room, kinda orange with a big black window on the side.  So, anyway, the creature got me and finally I said to "eat someone else."  It's stomach, a section gooily crackered open and a ball came out under it and was reaching me, stickling, and I woke up, realizing I guess it wasn't gonna eat me, startled some people, and thought of Disney because it's on my blog.  Something else I was gonna say, ah yes, I was going around and saw some kids.  I realized I did Music Education and was full of something.

So, the kids were loudly rasping "Jolly Holiday" in a weird form that seemed like a combination of English Dutch and German Dutch, which I never thought of, though they were English, supposedly.  They were holding like dark brooms with bristles.  The girl was wearing the orange.  I only noticed her mostly, but she was more European and physical.

Right now, I feel like the monster that was going to eat me, my lips sticking out a lot and kinda thick seeming from the inside.  Also, I had 2 black therapists walk with me and asked if I wanted to go to Disney.  They made it seem like an adventure.  I said well I don't have any money, and they never really wanted to.  1 was about my age, maybe a month older or younger.  The other was an adult with a girl in modeling.  I've had other counselors here because of the mental hospital.  The whole time, I didn't think about Disney, but I was at it, so I guess yea I mean I thought about it in that way.

I was trying to think of something, like someone carrying me, in the bed, and I was woken up and had to think of something more materialistic but didn't.  My dad was giving me "new rules."  Just to see him at lunch I think.  He said I'd do something like weave poofy, dark things all day and then come home, but I realized I'd be too tired, even if all I did was sleep in the evening, 6-6 about?  I was feeling like kinda gooey from the fat, having had bacon each morning, about 5 pieces not cooked much, in a microwave.  My brother was cooking that before we saw The Hobbit for a long time, the kind I didn't like, the thick bacon.  I decided I liked what I'd been having, the maple bacon.  I've been having a pack of 2 frozen deep dish personal pan pepperoni pizzas like 3 times in 2 days spread out.  Why?  Because I want to eat fancy food and my dad didn't get it so I hope we go soon.  I guess I'm weaning from my previous diet.  For awhile, I was having fancy so - wait, in my dream, the monsters were in like a cartoony moat with probably triangular waves elicited - so bad soup in a can I learned to dislike, having it a lot, like before when I wanted to get like turkey, potatos, etc., and eat it alone.  So, I had the soup with sauced breaded frozen chicken, Tysons, which I know isn't really healthy, for some reason, the breading and something in the sauce and probably something else.  With Triscuits.  I had those a lot in college with cheese.  Now, I'm having cheese well crackers with spread or sticks with cheese but am liking the spread cheese better, just want some without peanut butter, which I had in the mental hospital.  Also, there's cheddar crackers with peanut butter.  When I went to the mental hospital in New Orleans, I learned to like grits, and that's what I've been having with bacon.

So, I just got up and noticed I was more European, from eating the fatty food and having more tendongs going to the floor.

*BEEP*

Is Ellen DeGeneres *beep*

She doesn't even fit in logic to make things work out positively and achieve the goaled outcome.  She thinks I'm not from where she's from.  She thinks it's unfair but not for others.  Well, that's too bad because I'm more accomplished than you because I was a child prodigy!

Hanging Their Heads Low

You know, people are really devastated about my mom wearing glasses.  She was rather acclaimed as a person, quite fit and like Middle Eastern, not sure if she'd technically pass, but you know.  Maybe, she's not the most nourished person, doesn't eat breakfast, which I'd blame my grandma for.  My grandma so much as to put herself forward as to say my mom didn't take care of my dad, suggested it.  My mom thinks my dad doesn't take care of us, and my brother also feels the same.  My dad is always drooling for money in front of us, foaming at the mouth, like wild and mad dog.  We've lived in 2 apartments, however, when my brother was young.  So, my brother must be my problem.  Sometimes, my parents expect me to like care about him more, all of a sudden, like I'm no longer an individual and no longer even wish to be a girl.  Like, he's said something about my race and it's my fault.  Like, he's so much better, though I enjoy some aspects of that sort of statement.

I'm not really sure how my mom affected my life in college.  I didn't speak to my dad.  I know my aunt bothers me.  I know my dad's family are incompetent and do away with things, but his mom doesn't wear glasses all the time and got them at about the same age as my mom.  Well, they stopped going up north at the same time as me, the year after we went with my dad's sister and the daughter.  The daughter is really bad, and you want to think she's pretending, like everyone else, to make me feel good, and that I'm ungrateful and guilty, somehow.  That doesn't really say anything for me.  Same with the cousins up north, mostly.  There's this one with curly white hair, but she's not like that, now.. never talked to her much.

So, I'm kinda worried because supposedly Ellen DeGeneres is about events like this, people making my mom wear glasses.  I just feel like hurting people.  I guess the point would be well no I don't want my mom in glasses, and I mean I guess I can't do anything.  I kinda don't like people who are mean.  I mean, I'll talk to them, for awhile.  So, why is she in glasses?  I kinda want to help out because I already thought of the reason and don't think it's right.  I mean, I just don't accept it.  What other answer would come up?  What's the answer?  I think that people think I have to accept it.  That I have to accept that like it's not something I have a right to like you know get mad about.  I already blame someone.  I think we should lasso the likes of Tim Burton's effects, as though he cares not.  He's gonna continue to try to be genial, but I mean why?  Why?  Look, I'm white.  Ellen DeGeneres and Tim Burton are telling me I don't act white and also that I don't like being white.  Now, they'll deny it.  See, if this is true, they're, they'd be worthless.  You shouldn't say that, but I dunno.  I can't take these slams like I'm nothing, that I find things like my mom wearing glasses, the clicks in my room, the negative messages online.  Maybe, I need to learn to talk, but I've been online all day every day mostly for 5½ years.  I mean, my life must be really messed up.  I don't believe that I needed that long.  The problems were my parents wre mean to me and made me feel guilty for not succeeding in college, for not going to class all the time, though I was hearing clicks at that point that made me approach feelings that brought to mind the idea of being maybe suicidal.  They stopped, for some reason, next semester, when I picked a major.  I know it was a free semester.  That shouldn't matter.  See, Ellen DeGeneres is from that area and would approve of this and then get mad at me for not going to class.  How could I have gone to class?  I know I came in, and the kids turned around and looked at me like I shouldn't be there.  It feels like I might have skipped most of the classes, but I didn't have to.  Also, my life was an experiment, and people stopped communicating with me.  I couldn't focus.  I had a lot of physical inconveniences, in my life.  I was being treated like I wasn't white just because I wasn't perfect and being picked at for being a perfectionist.  So, anyway, that pretty much made me not feel good.  My life was what it was, benefited.  I came home, and I couldn't focus.  I don't know, that might be all.  I was in an experiment, and anyway I don't think that means you can torture me.  I mean, I wasn't being bad.  Also, you'd know I was a good student already before.  My parents never were onto me about school because I was good.